I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me. I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness comes through the Law, then Christ died needlessly." Galations 2:20-21
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
Before I get right into it, I want to note that number four's pregnancy came as a surprise because we made our decision that we were content with our three little munkins. Emotionally, I came to terms with that, and mentally, I was looking forward to not being pregnant again. My pregnancies always start off with terrible "morning sickness". Lasting all day and night and didn't end until well into my second trimesters. Every smell, good and bad, takes me straight to the bathroom. When you have three other children to care for (diaper changes, meals, cleaning messes, etc.) it is close to living a nightmare. Not only was I sick, but getting pregnant with number four, was emotionally hard on me. I struggled with depression most of my pregnancy. Not for one moment did I not want this baby, but every single part me didn't want to be pregnant again. I hated every moment of being pregnant. Even after morning sickness passed, I struggled with sciatic nerve pain and back pain. I never felt well. And then the thought of going through another labor and delivery was just daunting to me. I didn't want to do it. I wanted my baby, but I didn't want to do all the work again. This was my fourth pregnancy in 5 years and my body was so tired. I have been pregnant or nursing for the past 6 years and, selfishly, I just wanted my body back. Not to mention the extreme sleep deprivation.
I was very blessed and fortunate to have my first three babies with no interventions and ALL natural, despite having them all at a hospital. I never even had an IV in my arm. My husband is such a good support and I am so thankful to have him on my team. Of course, I was going into this labor wanting the same thing. After laboring at home for a few hours (I normally stay home as long as possible and am used to laboring for 8-10 hours at home), my contractions got to 3 minutes apart very quickly and I panicked. Thankfully, my mother was already here helping me with kids and my husband was on his way home from work. I shoveled in some dinner (that my wonderful mama made) as fast as I could and took off to the hospital. I was really hoping to just have this baby quickly. Per usual, my contractions slowed a little on the way to the hospital. When we got there I was convinced we would be having the baby soon, but they admitted us at only 4 cm. I was devastated. I always got to the hospital much further along than that. I came back to a consistent 5 minutes apart. So we did what we normally did, walked and walked. Leaning on my sweet hubby during contractions. After a few hours I just got so tired. I just didn't want to do it anymore. I was continuing to progress, but not as fast I was anticipating. Then I called in my midwife and I just had a breakdown. I just mentally wasn't in the game. I couldn't get in it. My husband tried his hardest to convince me that we could do this naturally again. We did it three times before. But I just didn't want to keep going. I was mentally and emotionally weak. I was the one who had to do all the work in the end, I had enough. I was at 7cm when they gave me the epideral. I did have a little scare where I almost passed out, but the nurse quickly got me back on track. Thankfully, the best case scenario happened. I continued to progress the entire time. No need for PIT or any added interventions. I was able to rest on and off. I did have the urge to get up and move around several times, because that is so naturally a part of every labor of mine. After a few hours of "resting" I was ready to push (according to the nurse and midwife). When you have your babies naturally, you feel everything. You just know what to do. You know how to push and where to push from. When you can't feel anything, you have to relearn how to push. You do still feel some pressure, but you don't really know what you are doing. So, after some practice pushes, I figured it out and pushed that baby out in just a few pushes. My husband was able to "catch" L and deliver him, just as he was with some of other children. Logan latched on immediately and breastfeeding went smoothly. The Labor was just around 12 hours, just like most of my others.
At my 6 week check up my midwife asked me if I could go back, would change the way I did anything. I was honest when I told her 'no'. But that doesn't mean I didn't wish I was in a better mental and emotional state to handle a natural birth. I desperately wish I was. I do think, maybe if I was taking better steps to prepare, I could have done it. I have also been asked, that now that I have experienced a natural birth and an epidural, would I ever go back? My answer is ABSOLUTELY. I don't think anyone really believes me, but it is the honest truth. If somehow I got pregnant again, I would do everything I could to have another natural birth. I didn't like that I couldn't move around, or that I couldn't feel what was going on. That I didn't know when to push or how to push. When I have a natural birth, I feel so much more connected to my baby. Like we are in sync. I don't really know how else to explain it. Bottom line, when I have a natural birth, I feel so empowered. Like, if I could just do that, I can do ANYTHING!
Unfortunately, natural birth is not common in our culture. Hospitals and nurses are not trained to help a women through a natural birth with all the tools that they would need to help a woman be successful. If you want a natural birth, you need to be extremely proactive to get proper support and knowledge before you go into it. You can't just go to the hospital and hope for a natural birth. 9 times out of 10, you won't end up with one in the end. That is my honest opinion.
I was afraid that after I had L I would fall into a deeper depression because of my struggles during the pregnancy. But I was actually lifted right out of it. He has been the sweetest, most easy going baby of them all. He is a comforter and sympathetic (even at this young age). He lights up my day, a gift from the Lord, THERAPY FOR MY SOUL, and I wouldn't trade him for anything.
Enjoy these sweet photos: